Rubbish Thoughts

Sometimes we force our selves to remember because we are afraid to forget.

Every time I listen to my heart, I feel stupid. Damn, impulses.

Do you believe in destiny?

Where do I put all these stress?

- Some vacation this is turning out to be :(

Dear Lord,

Save me. Save me from myself.

How is it really to fall in love?

I have loved only once in my life (not counting my family and my friends). But somehow I cannot bring myself to answer this question. After all, what do I know when the only time I actually loved didn’t really worked out? 

So tell me, how is it really to fall in love? To put it more accurately, how is it really feel to love and be loved?

WHERE

Where do I go from here? Everybody seems to be taking down their own path and somehow, I once again feel so stuck without any definite plans in life. I wonder if I am just too afraid to make the decisions. I wonder if I’m just afraid to make mistakes or to get reject or even worse, fail. I’m scared for all of that and because of that fear I am left here, stuck. Not knowing where to go or where to make the first step.

Another long and ridiculous dream

I dreamt I was in my Godfather’s house and my relatives are there (well, as to who they are in reality, I actually don’t know. I just have this consciousness that they were my relatives). There was also this boy who was probably around my age. Yeah, I label him “a boy” since he acts a little immature where as his laugh has this tinge of purity/innocence/youth whatever words are synonymous to that and whose vibe is somewhat “happy-go-lucky” — something I am envious of. I have lost that at such a pre-mature age as I have turned out to be a cynic, a skeptic and untrusting of other people. Although, it has made me more perceptive than a normal person - it’s a gift I wish I could put to good use. 

Picking up where I left off, as far as I know, my godfather’s house is little small and crammed and I was surprise to find it in my dream that it actually has a wider extension at the back with a hallway or two here and there with doors aligned along them. Imagine the doors like those taken out of the fifth Harry Potter movie only less dark, spooky and gloomy and more of that of a normal house. So, as I explore through the doors I have once again come across the boy who asked me something I can no longer remember. He laughed as if there was something he finds funny about the whole thing. I felt a little foolish and opted to leave the room and ignore the boy instead. There’s no point wasting disappointing feelings over someone I just met and might never meet ever again.

And so I went on, peeping through doors left ajar. Can’t really remember everything in between except for the last bits of the dream when I had this huge luggage and decided to go home although I decided to take a shower first. Thus, I went through rooms, doors and hallways looking for a bathroom avoiding “the boy” who seems to be walking around. When I finally found one, the door to that bathroom would not close properly so I ended up adjusting it where the opening is at its minimum thinking people wouldn’t exactly wander off in that area. 

I took off my clothes, looked at myself in my birthday suit when somehow the door opened a little wider and there a few feet farther was the boy. He wasn’t the one who opened the door but he had the view of me - stark naked. At first, he was startled and then he wore that stupid laugh. I covered my self with nothing but my slender arms with no avail.

He saw me and being the man that he is he seemed to enjoy the view while I ended up more flustered on how it happened and little less on getting embarrassed on being nude. Really there’s nothing much to hide. I wore my clothes back and decided to leave and that’s when it ended. 

Waking up to reality, I ended up being pretty annoyed about the boy. Who the hell is he? Why does he keep laughing at me? Why did he have to be the first guy to see me naked? I mean, I’m reserving myself for someone and just one person. I don’t plans on having more than one person seeing me naked really. 

In the end the dream just made me curious and annoyed. Terribly annoyed.